Lessons on parenting

Let me tell you about one of the times I was at my worst. When I was in elementary school, I never liked Jim Walker. Jim was a year older than me and I thought he was a big nerd. One day I just decided to knock him down. I had no reason to do it other than thinking that someone should because he is a big sissy. As I was walking through the alley near his home on my way home from school, I ran into Jimmy and his twin sister. I gave him a big push. He fell flat and started crying. His sister ran for home and happen to see Jodene walking home. She told her to tell her brother to stop bullying her brother.
I was feeling really tough and cool until I got home and realized that Jodene had told mom.
Here is the point of this blog. I deserved to have my butt whipped. Sombody should have knocked me on my butt. I acted like a bully.
Instead, mom sat me down at the kitchen table and asked me about the incidence. I was totally embarassed to have my mom know her son was a bully. She never got mad. This discussion was done in private. She made me realize that I didn't want to be that person. I never wanted to be mean to Jimmy Walker again and I never got into another scuffle with any other kids. In fact, the next day I saw Jimmy and apologized.
I have thought about that discussion a lot over the years. Mom didn't discipline me but she changed me. She made me want to be better. She had a much bigger impact on me than if she had whipped my butt. She actually taught me how to handle conflict with others. She modeled the behavior of handling a bad situation by getting the other person to understand.
Dad was effective at this also. He only spanked me once. I don't even remember what I had done wrong. He called me to the living room. Mom and my sisters were anxiously waiting in the living room for me to get my spanking. I had to walk into the room and bend over his knee. He gave me two spanks. The whole experience of waiting for the spanking, walking in front of everyone, and actually getting the spanking was very embarassing. I remember thinking that the spankings didn't hurt, but I bet I cried for a hour. I never wanted another spanking again even though it didn't hurt. I had disappointed them. If he had spanked me frequently, I would have gotten used to them and they wouldn't have been effective.
How often do we over react to our kids? As parents do we draw the line in the sand and insists that our kids will never do certain things? For me, I wanted to make sure that my kids had that respect for me like I had for my dad. I really wanted a little bit of a sense of fear that I would be a firm parent. I AM THE DAD. I had my limits: don't talk back, don't stand on the furniture, don't lie, etc. When they cross these lines, I would over react.
This is my advice to the new parents. Look at developing your kids for the long term. Life lessons like the one that mom gave me at the table is much more valuable than guarding your line. Granddad and Grandma never had to discipline us because we never wanted to disappoint them. Develop your kids to want to be good rather than managing their bad behaviors. I believe that Danielle is very good at this. She talks to her kids. Ethan and Shelby are still too young but I am sure that they will have great parents. Don't discipline your kids because you are worried that people you are with are thinking your kids are not good. Discipline them because you are trying to shape them.
I have managed people for 25 years. I have had to fire people especially for code of ethics violations. Those are quick firings. When I have been faced with low performers, I have always been able to sit down with them and talk to them about their performance. They have almost always agreed that they weren't performing and quit or they improved their performance. Some have become very good bankers and they talk about how I helped them through this time. I always think that I learned it from my mom in elementary school.
Your goal is to make your kids great adults. Harsh discipline will get you quick short term results. Reason and talking may get you a life time result.