Is your significant other the right fit for you?

To me there are a few major issues to determine if the person you are dating is the right person for you.
The first issue is a fundamental belief. Do you and your partner have the same basic beliefs? I can't imagine not having the same principles or fundamental beliefs as your spouse. One of those for me is religion. How can I live and love someone and at the same time think that they are not going to heaven? I would be trying to constantly convince them to come around to my way of thinking. This isn't a egotist approach in which I am saying that my religion is right and yours is wrong. This is about anyone and their religion. If you belief that your faith is the right one, how can you accept the fact that your spouse is going the wrong direction? Wouldn't you want to save the person that you love the most?
Religion is just one of those basic principles that is critical for the relationship. There are others. Does the characteristics that are important to you come through strong in your relationship? For instance, honesty, how you treat others, anger, fairness, respect for elders, good with kids, etc. Everyone has their own set of characteristics that they are looking for in an individual. The point is, love only gets you so far. When it comes down to day to day life experiences, these differences will absolutely kill the love. If you lose the respect, then the love will follow.
Another true telling sign is the person you are when you are with that person. Some people make us better and some people make us worst. Are you proud of the person that you are when you are with that person? If you are fighting a lot, then that person is pulling you down rather than building you up. You can absolutely love a person but if that person makes you say or do things that you never thought you would do, then that is a destructive person. Love won't carry you through those relationships.
Respect is another critical issue. I believe that the man should be a leader in the house. This doesn't mean that the man will make all the decisions. This doesn't mean that the man has the final say. It does mean that the man should be the one that the rest of the family looks to for leadership. If the man isn't being a role model, then the wife is constantly having to compensate for the man's short comings. Children will always look at the father. Mothers are the nurturing, caring, loving and guidance providers. While they may know more than the father about the right behaviors, the father not being a leader and role model will undermine all of those actions by the mother. Respect is necessary for the husband to feel important. That is one of the strongest emotions for a man. Husband showing the wife respect is what is necessary for them to lead. While the man is trying to lead, if they aren't respecting the wife's opinion and wishes, then the relationship is headed for disaster.
The main point of this blog is that a relationship is more complicated than just love. Love can fade. Is the person you with the right person for you in every way? If there are major philosophical differences, then you should reconsider. The difficult part is when you are dating, those major differences aren't major. Your priorities are different at 20 than at 30. Don't ignore little signs.
When you get it right, the relationship will be one of the greatest gifts. Count your blessings. If you get it wrong, it can be extremely destructive. Pray for the guidance. Use your brain and not just your emotions. Be the person that you want your significant other to be.

Lessons on parenting

Let me tell you about one of the times I was at my worst. When I was in elementary school, I never liked Jim Walker. Jim was a year older than me and I thought he was a big nerd. One day I just decided to knock him down. I had no reason to do it other than thinking that someone should because he is a big sissy. As I was walking through the alley near his home on my way home from school, I ran into Jimmy and his twin sister. I gave him a big push. He fell flat and started crying. His sister ran for home and happen to see Jodene walking home. She told her to tell her brother to stop bullying her brother.
I was feeling really tough and cool until I got home and realized that Jodene had told mom.
Here is the point of this blog. I deserved to have my butt whipped. Sombody should have knocked me on my butt. I acted like a bully.
Instead, mom sat me down at the kitchen table and asked me about the incidence. I was totally embarassed to have my mom know her son was a bully. She never got mad. This discussion was done in private. She made me realize that I didn't want to be that person. I never wanted to be mean to Jimmy Walker again and I never got into another scuffle with any other kids. In fact, the next day I saw Jimmy and apologized.
I have thought about that discussion a lot over the years. Mom didn't discipline me but she changed me. She made me want to be better. She had a much bigger impact on me than if she had whipped my butt. She actually taught me how to handle conflict with others. She modeled the behavior of handling a bad situation by getting the other person to understand.
Dad was effective at this also. He only spanked me once. I don't even remember what I had done wrong. He called me to the living room. Mom and my sisters were anxiously waiting in the living room for me to get my spanking. I had to walk into the room and bend over his knee. He gave me two spanks. The whole experience of waiting for the spanking, walking in front of everyone, and actually getting the spanking was very embarassing. I remember thinking that the spankings didn't hurt, but I bet I cried for a hour. I never wanted another spanking again even though it didn't hurt. I had disappointed them. If he had spanked me frequently, I would have gotten used to them and they wouldn't have been effective.
How often do we over react to our kids? As parents do we draw the line in the sand and insists that our kids will never do certain things? For me, I wanted to make sure that my kids had that respect for me like I had for my dad. I really wanted a little bit of a sense of fear that I would be a firm parent. I AM THE DAD. I had my limits: don't talk back, don't stand on the furniture, don't lie, etc. When they cross these lines, I would over react.
This is my advice to the new parents. Look at developing your kids for the long term. Life lessons like the one that mom gave me at the table is much more valuable than guarding your line. Granddad and Grandma never had to discipline us because we never wanted to disappoint them. Develop your kids to want to be good rather than managing their bad behaviors. I believe that Danielle is very good at this. She talks to her kids. Ethan and Shelby are still too young but I am sure that they will have great parents. Don't discipline your kids because you are worried that people you are with are thinking your kids are not good. Discipline them because you are trying to shape them.
I have managed people for 25 years. I have had to fire people especially for code of ethics violations. Those are quick firings. When I have been faced with low performers, I have always been able to sit down with them and talk to them about their performance. They have almost always agreed that they weren't performing and quit or they improved their performance. Some have become very good bankers and they talk about how I helped them through this time. I always think that I learned it from my mom in elementary school.
Your goal is to make your kids great adults. Harsh discipline will get you quick short term results. Reason and talking may get you a life time result.

Granddad

Fond memories of Granddad:

• 5 gallon buckets of Swan's ice cream
• peanuts
• popcorn in purses, pockets and shoes
• chocolate syrup (called chocolate dope) on your car door handle
• he played checkers and cards alot with you but never let you win
• jarts
• pool table
• card club
• weekly trips to Big Bear
• he made fun of Ernest
• he loved Lois
• he sat in his chair with one leg on the arm of the chair
• he watched the "Dating Game" and the "Newlyweds"
• Cleveland Browns on Sundays
• Cleveland Indians game on radio every night even though they never had good teams
• orange slices
• he and I tried to build things with wood and couldn't
• golfed with a two iron and putter
• Called me Buddy Boy
• Shaving Cream
• Toys in your bed sheets
• Shoes thrown at you in the bedroom
• water fights
• borrowed baby goats for the kids
• quail and pheasants
• milk shakes on long car rides
• speeding up to make Grandma holler
• guessing on the number of cars that we would see between town and their drive way
• breaded veal sandwiches
• detective magazines
• "It's hell getting old, buddy boy."
• jacked up back tires
• tin cans tied to cars
• fishing and never catching anything
• going out after dark to catch earth worms
• uncombed hair
• being locked out of the house
• turning the antenna on the house to try and pick up the Browns out of Cleveland
• drinking your drink
• stealing your food off of your plate
• the heals of his socks on the top of his foot
• Grandma watering his hair down
• dropping ashes on you
• shirts burned with cigarette ashes
• naps under the blanket in the front room
• summer hay workers that love him (Little Johnny)
• you could call him and he would come get you
• corny jokes "Big fight up town last night. Some cat licked his paw."
• great at math
• read a lot of newspapers
• was never rude to Grandma
• Don't trump his ace.
• check out girls at Big Bear
• wrestling matches

Do I know when God touches me?

You can tell from the title that this blog is about my faith. I hope you don't not read it because of that because this has been on my heart alot lately.
This discussion is about the Holy Spirit. Who, what is the Holy Spirit and what does it have to do with me? The bible never refers to the Holy Spirit as "it". The Holy Spirit is referred to as He. There are three equal parts to the Trinity. It is the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost. Why do we not talk about the Holy Ghost? Does that sound to mystical?
The Holy Spirit lives within us. He should be our best friend. Most of this blog will be my thoughts on recognizing the Holy Spirit. Ephesians 4 versus 30 says "And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption." This means to me that the Holy Spirit will be there with us at judgement day. He knows our heart and He has been trying to draw us closer to God our whole life.
Now let me talk about how I believe the Holy Spirit has worked in our lives. First of all, I believe that the Holy Spirit is an inner conscious that is telling us to do or not do things. When people say "God talked to me", more than likely they felt they had a thought cross through their mind that they felt was consistent with the teachings of the bible and what God would want them to do.
We can debate all day long whether the Holy Spirit is just your self conscious or something deeper but it does come down to faith. Plus when you open your heart and mind to the idea that it is coming from something more divine, then you realize that you are allowing God to change you. (Faith is believing in something you can not prove or see. Everybody would believe in God if they had proof.)
For me, the first belief in the Holy Spirit starts as a child. Even as a child, going to church felt right. While I often wanted to skip out and go to Granddad's, when I went you just felt a since of doing something good in your heart. The reason I didn't want to go to church had more to do with my shyness than it did anything else. Watch any child. When they do something extremely unselfish and strickly for the benefit of others, they have this overwhelming happiness in them. You may not be as able to see it in other kids as you can relate to it when you think back on your childhood. You know that feeling was overwhelming.
Second, I believe that it isn't a coincidence that those people that are good are drawn to the Lord. Granddad and Grandma were GOOD people. Grandma was constantly drawn to Christ but was too shy to go to church. I don't know about Mickie, but Mom, Wes and Joann all went and joined a church. I believe they were drawn by their believes in Christ and the Holy Spirit touching their hearts.
Third, when have you felt closes to God. I have always felt closes to God when I believe I am doing good works. Good works in itself doesn't get anybody to heaven. Jesus died for us. We can't do anything greater to get ourselves to heaven. We have to have faith in Him. When I get in front of God, I want Jesus to say "God, Brent is one of mine. I know him." How will He know me? I talk to Him everyday. The Holy Spirit working in my heart is part of Him. We become one.
People misinterpret the Holy Spirit in our heart. It's not karma, universal alignment, or any other outside force. I bet you have had Holy Spirit thoughts while reading this blog where you thought that you should do something or not do something.
I miss having older ladies in the neighborhood that we looked after. I miss leading small groups of people who are hurting because they are going through a painful divorce. I have to look for ways to serve and I haven't been very successful. A big reason for this blog is it allows me to express this feeling.
Mom has been a great example our whole life. She has always wanted to volunteer and serve others. I just want people to open their minds to the idea that her desire to do more for others is more than just a good idea. It is something deep within her. I believe it is the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit knows her heart.
Okay, this is the tough part: My eyes are full of tears because I believe that the Holy Spirit is crying over our pain. Jesus feels our pain. He is working to heal us. He has done some healing with babies, library and book club friends, graduations, etc. Time is the biggest healer. The Holy Spirit is probably trying to talk to us more right now if we let Him and believe that it is coming from Him. There is a song by Michael W Smith "Open the eyes of my heart".
We don't live in heaven. We live in a fallin world with sin. Bad things happen. Hate the world and rejoice in the fact that there is something much greater at the end of our journey. Dad and I talked and he knew that Jesus knew him. He talked to Jesus alot on the way to work. That gives me great comfort.
Meet my best friend....The Holy Spirit.

Passing it on

I am so thankful for the great grandkids. All of them are a blessing and I can't imagine going through the holidays without them. Every time we do a prayer or toast, I want to thank God for the new families. It is exciting to see. Losing Dad was damn hard, when the young kids are in the house....it just feels different. They make you forget your worries. I personally believe that it was God's timing to have these new lives at this time. (I love the song "Somebody is praying me through" by Alan Ashbury).
This is leading me to talk about those that were good role models to me growing up. Are we passing these great principals on to the younger generation? It is important to me that their lessons are passed on and they live through us.
Granddad and Grandma will always be at the top of the list. When I think about the principals that defined Granddad I would list honesty as one of the top ones. He treated everyone with respect (4 years old or long haired farm help). He loved people. Fairness was important. He always treated Grandma with love and respect. All of his kids learned these same principals. When you were with Granddad and Grandma, you were treated as an adult. You were never treated as just a kid although you always were expected to treat them with respect. Granddad and Grandma didn't have to scold or discipline. You did not want to ever disappoint them.
All of the Hines' developed these same qualities. They invested themselves in to their kids and in to their grandkids. Important: they had a way of treating a child as important but the parent or grandparent were always head of the household. The kid was never more important than the parent. In my first marriage, the kids were more important to me than my wife. A sound marriage is the most important thing you can do for your kids.
I know that Cindy, Jodene and Ann can all list other characteristics of Granddad and Grandma that stick out in their mind. In fact, while we were four kids, each of us had a very personal relationship with both of them. Wes and Joann were also very strong influences in my life. I was always excited to see Joann. Wes and I had a very close relationship and I have a lot of respect for him. There is no doubt that Joann and Wes loved us. Granddad and Grandma passed their qualities on to their kids. How rewarding is it to know that the principals that you stand for were successfully passed on to your kids and grandkids?
Have you thought about what principals define you as a role model for your kids or grandkids? I am so blessed that I have had Grandparents, parents, sisters, aunts and uncles, friends, pastors, coaches, etc that I respected and love and were positive influences. It isn't enough to love and give our kids things. They need to know that there are some principals that define me that I will never compromise. Granddad didn't have to blog his principals but I may have to. Granddad would never short change someone. Dad wouldn't fire Denny even if it cost him a job. Grandma hated anything dirty or inappropriate.
Believe me, this is not a judgement of parents and grandparents in the family. This blog is about relationships and I want to remember those relationships that were big to me. I believe that the standard has been set high.
When I think about Dad, Grandma and Granddad, I want what meant so much to them to live on. This is what defined them. I want it to define all of us. Your principals may not be the same ones that defined others before you, but I do think that you need to know yours.
I love the fact that Blake has decided to go and try different things and live in a new area of the country. I hate the distance but love that experience he is gaining. His eyes have been opened to new environmental concerns. He is more sensitive to political issues that never made my radar as very important issues. I think that is good. I am confident that he knows what defines him as a person.

Why Blog

This blog will be a little different because it is about my passions not about my daily activities or my daily emotions. It's about relationships. It is about my relationship with Christ, family and friends. Do they align or do they conflict with each other?
First, Christ is first in my life. He has blessed me and my family beyond belief. I have had so many people in my life that were such a positive influence. I will be giving many of those credit over these blogs in the future, but think about some of them. Granddad, Grandma, coaches, Mom and Dad, sisters, friends, pastors, aunts and uncles, bosses, Shari and my kids. All of these people have made me a better person. When I'm not living up to the life style that I should I feel like I'm letting those people down.
Let's start where we should with God. This may turn some people off but this is me. This is my passion. You can't know me without knowing why I believe so strongly that Christ is my savior. Let's address the first issue. Do I really think that a God that is so powerful, the creator of the universe, is going to take the time to care about my little worries and bless me.
Don't under estimate God. He is so powerful He can handle all problems. Big and Small! Praise God!
Not everyone understands the Trinity. How does the Holy Spirit work? The Holy Spirit is God within us. Do you understand that we are better off because Christ died for us. I don't mean just because He died for our sins. (not a just). When Christ died the Holy Spirit became a part of our Christian lives. This is hard for non-believers to grasp. You probably have felt Him (the Holy Spirit) but didn't give it credit. Do you feel a calling to go to church? Do you feel a need to pray more or read the bible? Do you think that it is just your thoughts or a feeling, or is it your conscious that is deeper in your soul?
This blog will not be me preaching to the reader. This blog will be how I feel about loved ones including Christ.
I do want to make some comments about Dad and Christmas. Dad and I had a long telephone conversation last December '07. I was picking up Blake's graduation cake (the one with his baby picture on it) and Dad was driving home from work. We talked about the upcoming Christmas and how important it was to Dad. He wanted it to be extra special. He wanted this Christmas to be extra special because he was afraid that it might be his last. I didn't know that he actually had a concern that he was ignoring. I thought he was just talking in general about making each Christmas special because you never know which one is your last one. Dad loved all of us so much.
Thank you Ann and Mom for making this last Christmas so special. I hope everyone realizes that Dad set a standard that is impossible to maintain. Mom and Ann spent a lot of time and money making this last Christmas special for us. They felt the loss and the struggles of trying to get excited about Christmas without Dad. They fought through those struggles and that was the biggest Christmas gift that I got this last year.